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http://www.356.com.au/down under

harry pellew/the Maestro








Books, car manuals, literature, and posters

Porsche Books      911 Books  356 books

Porsche Posters  Porsche Models


Porsche jokes!

How to avoid a ticket:

          There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Porsche convertible. He took off down the road at 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. “This is great,” he thought. “Just what I need.”
          He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Pennsylvania state trooper behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blasting. “I can get away from him with no problem,” thought the man. He floored it and flew down the road at over 100mph. Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.” He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
          The trooper pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch, “my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I'll let you go.”
          The man looked back at the Trooper and said, “Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”
          The trooper said, “Have a nice day!”

Dumb blondes & Porsches

They just seem to go together, don’t they?


          This blonde looking for work sees a sign on a house: “PAINTER WANTED.” So she goes to the house and knocks on the door, telling the owner, “I’m here for the paint job.”
          “OK.” The guys hands her a couple cans of latex. “Here’s the paint. I want you to paint the porch.”
          She says, “No problem,” gets the paint and sets off to work. It’s not very long until she knocks on the door again. “All finished.”
          Handing over the money, the owner exclaims, “That didn’t take very long!”
          “I even gave it two coats,” she says, pocketing the money. “And oh, by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”


Q. Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A. She saw “911” on the back and thought it was a Porsche.


Q. Why do blondes drive VW’s?
A. Because they can’t spell Porsche.


Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A. You don’t lend your Porsche out to your friends.


          A blonde driving a Porsche sees another blonde with a Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road. She stops to ask what’s wrong.
          The girl with the broken Porsche says, “I just had a look under the hood, and there’s nothing there. Somebody must’ve stolen the engine while I was driving!”
          The first blonde says, “Oh, don’t worry, I have a spare in the back of my mine.”


And, just so the blondes don’t get too mad at us, here’s a smart blonde joke:

          A blonde walks into a New York City Bank and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
          The bank officer says he’ll need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a brand new Porsche 911 parked out the front of the bank.
          With the title and paper work all checked out, the bank agrees to accept the car as security for the loan.
          The loan officer drives the new Porsche into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
          Two weeks later the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 she borrowed, and $15.40 interest that accumulated. The loan officer approaches the blonde and says “We here at the bank are very happy that this transaction has worked out, but while you were away, I checked you out, and I’m a little puzzled. I found out that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles me is why you would bother to borrow $5,000.”
          The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?”

Porsches & genies:

          This guy is walking along the beach in Malibu when he comes across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He works for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it’s a very old oil lamp. The guy starts to buff it to remove the verdigris when poof! a genie appears. This genie, like all genies, is so happy to be freed of the lamp that he grants the guy three wishes.
          “I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates,“ says the guy. The genie isn’t sure who Bill Gates was until the guy tells him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learns that Bill Gates is indeed the richest man in the world. “Guy,” the genie said, “You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What’s your second wish?”
          “Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made. Fire engine red, on-board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile.”
           “That’s easy, guy,” says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
          The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl? Nah, with billions of dollars and a red Porsche he’s already a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. For everything that comes to his mind, the guy finds a reason not to wish for it. “Genie,” the says, “I can’t think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later?”
          “Gee, this is most unusual,” says the genie. “But you hold the hammer—I can’t escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you’re ready.” And whoosh, the genie disappears into the lamp.
          The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of his new red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.
          After that, he pulls off the beach and heads down the highway. Soon he’s up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handles perfectly. The guy is so happy that he begins to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio . . .
          . . .“Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener” . . .

          One day a bum is searching through a dumpster for food and other stuff rich people carelessly throw away. As he’s picking through the everyday trash he finds a lamp. He dusts it off and poof! A genie appears!
          The genie says, “I will give you three wishes. But for each wish, every lawyer in the world gets two times what you get.”
          “All right,” says the bum, “I wish for $1,000,000!”
          Poof! Instantly he has a check for $1,000,000 in his hand and every lawyer in the world instantly has a check for $2,000,000 in their hands.
          “O.K.,” says the bum, “now I want a Porsche.”
          Poof! Now he has a Porsche and every lawyer in the world has TWO Porsches.
          “Now, for my very last wish, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney....”

$500 Porsche:

          A man’s reading the paper when an ad catches his eye: $500 Porsche! New! He figures a $500 Porsche must be a joke, but might be worth a shot. So he goes to the address and sure enough, the lady living there has an almost brand new Porsche. “Wow!” the man says. “Can I take it for a test drive?”
          “Sure.” She hands him the keys, and he’s elated to find it runs perfectly. He takes it back to the lady’s house and gets out his wallet. “Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?”
          “My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture...as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money.”

Porsche vs. Rolls-Royce:

          A man stops at a traffic light in his brand new Rolls-Royce. A bright red Porsche pulls up beside him. The Porsche driver rolls down his window and excitedly entices the Rolls driver to do the same.
          “What can I do for you?” asks the Rolls driver.
          “Hey, nice wheels you got there!” says the Porsche driver, “Does that car have a TV?”
          The Rolls driver replies, “Of course this car has a TV! I paid $250,000 for this fine automobile. I can assure you, there is not a single option missing.”
          “Oh, yeah?” says the Porsche driver. “Do you have a bar in there?”
          “Naturally. In fact, I have two. One for the driver and one in back for the passenger!”
          “Sounds terrific,” says the Porsche driver, “But I’ll bet you don’t have a bed in there, do you?”
          The light turns green and the red Porsche speeds off. The Rolls Royce sits there while the driver ponders that last retort. Then he drives back to the dealership and tells the sales manager that he just had to have a bed in the back of the car. The sales manager tells him that for a price he can have any option he wants. They agree on the price of the bed and the Rolls owner leaves.
          Two days later, he returns and picks up his Rolls with the bed installed in the back. He drives his Rolls Royce all over town in search of the red Porsche so he can gloat about his new option. After four hours his search ends when he finds the Porsche in a cul-de-sac. He pulls along side the other car and, seeing no one around, honks his horn. When no one comes out he leans on the horn until the driver’s window of the red Porsche opens and a naked man leans out; he is soaking wet. He exclaims, “What’s your problem now, bud?”
          The Rolls owner says proudly, “Well I did it! Now I have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce!”
          The naked man in the Porsche looks at him and yells, “You got me out of my shower for THAT?!!”


Porsche vs. Mercedes:

          An older woman is cruising a crowded parking lot her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. She finally sees someone loaded with packages heading for a car, so she follows him, puts on her blinker and waits patiently until he pulls out.
          Just as he pulls out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zips in to the space ahead of her. Dumbfounded and outraged, she jumps out of her car, shouting, “How could you do that? Didn’t you see me waiting there with my signal on?”
          To which he replies, “That’s what happens when you’re young and fast.”
          As the young man is about to enter the store he hears the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He runs back, horrified, to see that the woman has gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his beautiful black Porsche.
          He cries, “How could you do that?”
          To which she replies, “That’s what happens when you’re old and rich!”

Porsche vs. moped:

          A very self-important young man goes out and buys what he believes is the best car available: a Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world.
          That night, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny Porsche and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?”
          The young man replies, “A Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me $120,000.”
          “That’s a lot of money,” replies the old man. “Why do they cost so much?”
          “Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!” states the young man proudly.
          The moped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside?”
           “Sure,” replies the owner.
          So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the he says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right!”
          Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH.
          Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
          “What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?” he wonders.
          Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
          “Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo?”
          Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It slams into the back of his car.
          The young man jumps out and finds the old man lying behind his car!
          He leans over him and says, “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?”
          The old man groans and replies, “Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror, please.”

The important things:

          A yuppie parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he’s getting out of the car, a huge 18-wheel truck comes flying along too close to the curb, tears the door off the Porsche, and keeps on going.
          Distraught, the yuppie grabs his cell phone and calls the police. Five minutes later, the cruiser pulls up to find him screaming hysterically.
          “My Porsche, my beautiful red Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it’s at the body shop it’ll simply never be the same again!”
          After he finally stops ranting and raving, the policeman shakes his head in complete disgust. “I can’t believe how materialistic you damn yuppies are,” he says, “You’re all so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.”
          “How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” snaps the yuppie.
          “You must be in deep shock,” the policeman replies. “Didn’t you realize that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?”
          The yuppie looks down in absolute horror. “Damn it to hell!” he screams, “Where’s my Rolex?”

Coming To a Complete Stop

          A police officer pulls over a red Porsche after it runs a stop sign. He walks up to the car door and says, “Sir, May I see your driver’s license and registration please?”
          The driver says, “What’s the problem, officer?”
          “You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.”
          “Oh, come on pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me!”
          “Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.”
          “You gotta be kidding me!”
          “It’s no joke, sir.”
          “Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.”
          “That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and...”
          “You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, pal! What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?”
          “Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!”
          “I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.”
          The police officer’s had enough and says to the driver, “Sir, I can do better than that.”
          He opens the car door, drags the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeds to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
          “Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”

More adventures with the law:

          A Yugo breaks down on the roadside and a BMW 750 stops to help the old driver.
          “I’ll tow you to the next service station,” says the BMW driver, “but if I drive too fast, flash your lights.”
          They set off slowly, but only a mile or so down the road but a Porsche speeds past at 120mph. The BMW driver forgets about the Yugo and guns it after the Porsche, just as all three of them tear through a speed trap.
          Frantically the cop radios HQ. “You won’t believe this! I have a BMW and Porsche racing at 120mph, with a Yugo flashing his lights to overtake!”

The Top Reasons You Might Be mrPORSHA!

1. You think a spider is a car and not an 8 legged creature.

2. Your friends ask you "what do you see in her" and your response is "Are you kidding look how sexy she is and that feeling I get when I'm inside her. She's tight!" OH! You meant the new girlfriend huh. "She's good"

3. You can't decide which Porsche to give your 16 year old so you give them the Ferrari and explain you're sorry but I don't think you're ready for it yet.

4. You think the only thing good about Ferrari is the German driver Michael Schumacher.

5. You thought Voltswagen was a German electrical term, The term "Mercedes Rule" was an actress and BMW was an abbreviation for Better Mechanic Wanted.

6. You don't want a big penis because it increases the drag coefficient and weighs more.

7. You believe 9-11 is not a bad thing related to terror, but it may be hard to convince the Corvette owner behind you of that.

8. If you elbow Charlton Hesston for talking about how to clean your .357 and whisper it's 356 but nobody seemed to notice.

9. You know that Nuremberg is not a creamy wine sauce.

10. You think 455hp in the family SUV probably isn't enough.

11. The pattern on your front lawn says PORSCHE and you have a Porsche crest on your driveway.

12. If you think $410K is a reasonable price for a car (NEW Carrera GT).

13. If you live on capital hill (Seattle) or San Francisco and you Don't know any Porsche ferry's but you do know Ferry Porsche.

14. You think the last 4 words of the national anthem are gentlemen start your engines.

15. A trip to Treffen sounds like fun!

16. You tell your friends in the car pool to accelerate at the apex through the corner and when experiencing difficulty to look forward 2 toll booths and back 2 tollbooths and the correct path will appear. They have NO idea what you are talking about.

17. Your kids think a 928s4 is a big family car.

18. The Jones's don't have a prayer of keeping up with you!

19. Your sister's birthday is 9-30 and you buy yourself a turbo 911 and her a 99-cent card with a picture of you in it, on the cover.

20. If your boxer S faster than Don Kings Boxer.

21. If you think a Red CAYENNE  S not a pepper.

22. If  944 is followed by 951 not 945.

23. You get out of speeding tickets by telling the officer, It takes a lot of wind to cool 13 quarts of oil but luckily it worked
and it won't happen again.

24. You know you're home from a trip when you see your Porsche in the airport security parking lot.

25. Your last name is Nakamichi so you make up a story explaining you're from the Bavarian Nakamichis.. and people believe you!

26. You explain to the officer how 218 mph is a perfectly reasonable speed and you only slowed down from 220 mph because you realized you had crossed the Atlantic and were not on the Autobahn anymore.

27. Your house is Guards red. The front door is speed yellow and the trim is Zermat silver. Or any combination of the above. You think it looks great!

28. The family goes to Disney world and you go to Stuttgart.

29. You know the difference between Cinnabon and autobahn. The Autobahn is for fast driving and ...OH who cares what Cinnabon is.

30. You take out the radio, carpets, any unnecessary trim back and passenger seats etc. etc. because it's lighter/faster besides the only people who will ride with you have their own Porsche so you really don't need any of it.

31. You actually enjoy your drive to/from work.

32. You like your wife but you love your car.

33. SPEED Channel is the only TV you watch.

34. When your 2 year old is learning to count and says 3  5  6  You clap and say what a genius.

35. You have actually learned to tell the difference in sound between all sport/race cars and you compare Porsche to Mozart.

36. You know the difference between a Porsh and a Porsha - You own a Porsha.

37. You wouldn't be caught dead in a Ferrari.


Spammer's Porsche up for grabs

Porsche Boxster S

AOL says the Porsche has "symbolic value"

Internet giant AOL has ratcheted up the war against unsolicited e-mail with a publicity-grabbing coup - an online raffle of a spammer's seized Porsche.

AOL won the car - a $47,000 Boxster S - as part of a court settlement against an unnamed e-mailer last year.

"We'll take cars, houses, boats - whatever we can find and get a hold of," said AOL's Randall Boe.

According to Mr Boe, the Porsche's previous owner made more than $1m by sending junk e-mail.

Hitting them where it hurts

AOL is one of the noisiest opponents of the evasive spam trade, and this month joined forces with Microsoft, Yahoo and Earthlink to sue hundreds of spammers.

Seizure of property is becoming a major tactic in these lawsuits, since guilty spammers often protest their inability to pay large fines.

The Porsche-owning spammer, whose identity remains confidential, was one of a group sued last year for having sent 1 billion junk messages to AOL members, pitching pornography, college degrees, cable TV descramblers and other products.

Mr Boe said the Porsche was seized mainly for its symbolic value, as the obvious fruit of an illegal trade.

The Porsche sweepstake lasts until 8 April, and will be open only to those who were AOL members when it was first announced.




Guess the Sheep

A shepherd was looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a young man dressed in an Armani suit, Ray Bans, Rolex watch, White Cerutti shoes, tailor-made mauve shirt, with a Boss tie.

He gets out and asks the shepherd 'If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I keep one?'

The shepherd looks at the large flock of sheep and says 'Okay'.

The young man connects his laptop to his mobile phone/fax, enters the NASA website, scans the field using his GPS, opens the database linked to 60 Excel tables, filled with logarithms and pivot tables, and then prints out a 150 page report on his high tech mini printer. He studies the reports and says to the shepherd 'You have 1586 sheep'.

The shepherd replies, 'That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock.'

The young man packs away his equipment, looks at the flock and puts one into the boot of the Porsche.

As he is about to leave, the Shepherd says, 'If I can guess what your profession is will you return the animal to me?'

The young man thinks for a minute and says 'Okay'.

The shepherd says 'You are a Management Consultant'.

The young man says 'Correct, how did you know?'

The Shepherd replied, 'Simple. First you came here without being invited. Second you charge me a fee for something I already knew.

Third, you don't understand anything about my business. - Now, can I have my dog back?'


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